Um Outro Lado

“The birds in the sky can never great the king yet their beauty gives the king to stare at them endlessly, wishing to be with them in the sky.”

Auliq Ice

Do people always fall in love with who they less expected?

    Well, somehow when you expect to fall for someone, there is a high probability your feeling isn't love. If that's your case you're probably needing someone more than you like that person or maybe you're kind of in love by the idea of being in love, not by the person you think you like.

    Somehow, when you raise the awareness of being in love, I mean, when you think about it for the first time since the day you met the other person, then you wake up for a new reality. You're shocked and you don't know how you got there. This can be even more striking when you think about the elapsed time since you met the other person. That's real. Love don't need years to be revealed and you simply can fall in love only in a few days. And probably - very probably - this was my latest story about a summer love.

    The eyes I saw in that first night were like thunderclouds. They were expressing joy and happiness, but in a very deeply way and to be honest, it was very contagious. I was feeling like I could be totally myself in front of that strange person because we were absolutely and authentically in tune with each other: our experiences, feelings and thoughts were almost the same. So, in the end of the night when I left her at the ferry-boat station, our eyes were like enlacing each other. When we kissed (oh... that sweet eternal kiss), for the first time in many years I have lost all sense of time and reality and I think she felt the same. I would have liked to say something, but I couldn't. She smiled at me and suddenly everything seemed possible. That moment was being so powerful that it appeared to be the start of a real magic story. It wouldn't be so.

    In fact, we could play and have fun all the time but in the end of the day we always turned off the lights and, face to face, we closed our smiles and remained static in time. We touched our noses and stayed right there, looking at each other with the most deep piercing eyes. The last time we did it, I almost cried. My heart was about to explode and I took her hand right to my chest (I was feeling a thunderstorm with butterflies trying to run away inside me). I didn't said anything, because I knew she would understand it.

    Although, that was the last time I felt happy about this story.

    When I was looking to her eyes, I was thinking she would soon go away and it was only a question of time. From one heartbeat to the next, I rapidly feel and thought about all the moments we lived - they were not so many, but were so strong and unique - that I've almost asked her to be my girl. I almost was having a stroke. But suddenly... I closed my eyes and prevented myself not to say a word.

It would be pointless. In fact love is a chaos... you can be chaotically happy or you can be absolutely crumbled loving someone. In a few days, more than two thousand kilometers would split our bodies and all of this moments and no one - No One - has the right to hold someone based on feelings. Life isn't just about a loving couple in a beach cottage living happy forever and most of all I knew her future plans really would be so crucial for her. She would be living and studying for six years away from me and there were nothing I could do about it.

    Since that night, that question is jammed in my throat. I know I would never ask her to be mine. And people always say the basic - you'll get over it. Life is so full of people for whom you can feel that kind of feelings. Well, you'll be happy again - but in the end of the day you know this world is full of people, but not of this kind of attachment. In the end of the day you might really have met other people, but you will only like them because there are something in these girls that reminds you of her.

    And there is a reason. It's a fact that there is a difference between having your heart broken and having your soul shattered: the second way happens only when the person you fell in love with can touch your soul. It shakes you up and spins you around, it irretrievably changes you and your way of thinking. She said once that we should enjoy every good moments life gives us, and it is kind of true. But what counts in the end of the day is that you can't just make yourself matter and then die, because you have irretrievably changed someone. I must be sincere... I'm not expecting anything because I know I won't get it back and I'm truly happy without her. I can't deny, tho... I would be so much more happier with her.

    Oh love … It’s a nice little trick if you can find it. We had found it. However, now I know finding love and holding on to it are not the same thing. And there's so much I should say, so many things I should tell her, but in the end I tell her nothing. I lie down under the starry sky and I light a cigarette.

    (I think about you. But I won't say it to you anymore.)

With all my messy love,

Afonso Arribança